Pieced together from one side of a conversation: confessions of a cynic

Here are some bits and pieces from my side of a text conversation. I find it awkward to have conversations about anything but the simplest subjects via text, because there is always so much that I want to say that I never get around to. Partially due to the character constraints, and partially because it is amazingly fucking annoying to type on a touch-screen phone when compared to the wonderful tactile feedback of an actual god damn keyboard.

"Internal-external disconnect. People have different values than I do. Or place different value on things. Makes friendship tenuous. Someone gets 'bored'."

It still amazes me to this day that it's so hard to find people that feel even remotely the same about subjects important to me. Qualities that are important in people, important in life, important in society. And I don't just mean internally, because I think a lot of people have strong feelings about any given topic, but most of those feelings aren't necessarily worth discussing, because they're already set. So what's to discuss?

"My schema: people become 'friends' with me when they need something. I'm a cynic. And I always assume that I'll be left behind otherwise."

I'm not just a cynic; I'm a misanthrope. Until people demonstrate otherwise, and I almost used prove, but prove is such an ugly word, best left to the elegance of mathematics, but yes, until people demonstrate that they actually desire my companionship or conversation, I'm going to be watching and analyzing. Determining what it is a person wants from me, what need I can possibly fulfill, and having done so, what happens next. People don't generally come back to me out of the blue. It's because, well, they already got what they wanted. Not everyone is like that, but why waste effort on the ones that are?

Now poaching from an entirely different conversation from a different media: maybe I'm just afraid that I'll mistake someone's social frivolity for sincerity. Maybe I already did and I've since incorporated that into my schema without ever thinking twice about it. Fear feeds cynicism. I'm fairly certain I've written this down elsewhere.

"The converse is true too. I have to feel like I provide some value or worth to someone else."

Therein lies the rub. Any given instant of great utility creates a diminishing marginal benefit later. Unfortunately, being keyed into that concept means feeling a lesser value of self-worth over time. Two ideas come together here. First, that the benefit of putting more effort into something or someone should equal the cost of pouring in more effort; second, that some schedule of reinforcement comes into play. So, there has to be a payoff every once in a while. A few laughs. Maybe some drinks shared and good stories swapped. The simple things in life. And it can't be too hard, too out of the way to get, unless the payoff is just that good. Usually it won't be, but that's okay.

Lately, it just hasn't been that good.