Shard - Ainixia's monologue

Ainixia is a character in a story that I'm writing. If she were sitting in a room all by herself, thinking out loud, her monologue would sound something like this ....


I don't remember anything that happened before I started working for him. Just these feelings, like an oily residue all over my mind. I can't clean it up, you know? It smears, smudges, but never comes off. And it's like a venom, seeping into me. Anger and jealousy, all that. Always been a part of me. Maybe that's why I'm here now. I often think that's the case.

So I try to change but what am I really trying to change? Myself, or the world around me? And even if I change the world, am I really changing others around me or just my appearance, thus the perception of me? I thought these were pretty simple questions but no one wants to give me a straight answer. Only you can know that, I get told. Or the answer lies within. Or without. It doesn't make any sense! I'm not asking for contradictions! I mean sure, there's a parallel I can draw between answers like these and the dualities that exist in nature, like the particle wave phenomenon of photons, but that's just a metaphor. I'll leave that shit to the others. I don't really like words. Numbers and code. That's concrete. I get that.

Really I don't know why I started asking myself these questions either. I guess I feel the need to change myself. I do have the feeling I was okay with myself when I was a child. At least from what little I can remember. So there's got to be a trigger somewhere. Something that set me off. Pushed me down this slope, you know? I'll find it too. And at least I'll have a starting point. But my big fear is that it's all just a big cascade of events and decisions, this life, and knowing where I began won't reverse what's been done to me. How the world has shaped me. Or is it how I shaped the world? Maybe it doesn't even matter because that emotional residue, it really is stuck. And I'll always be kind of angry. Part of me wants to reject that notion though because it would mean we're predestined to meet a certain end. All because we can't overcome our physical nature. If we can't control our chemical impulses, our reactions, we're doomed to that thing we call fate.

I'm just going in circles. This is awful. No way to live. I'll change things though. I have a plan. There's something in the back of my mind that's trying to guide me. Whispering to me. Maybe I should start listening. He'll notice then. Oh, he'll notice ….