If I were a cat

I was thinking of something short to write about for the sake of practice. And I noticed two of my housemates' cats are sitting at the top of the stairs and sort of staring off into the distance. They're quite adorable. So I got to thinking about what I would do if I were a cat. Here we go.

If I were a cat, I'd definitely want to be an indoor cat. Oh sure, it'd be nice to be able to saunter the yard around in the spring or autumn, with the crisp green grass under my paws. Maybe even scare a bird or two. But you know how many friends of mine I've seen get spooked and then end up in a tree? That's just not for me. If I want to practice for American Idol try-outs, I'll do it from the safety and comfort of the other side of the patio door, and at ground level mind you. Maybe a little song for my human servants to let them know that I need a snack.

I would start and end every day with a nap. A deceptively, disarmingly light sleep, since drowsiness can strike any time, anywhere. Curiously, some people just don't notice the difference in texture between my sleek, soft, well preened fur and the ancient worn shag carpeting when they are putting their foot down. So I have to be ready to bolt at a moment's notice. I mean. I'm not a squeak toy after all.

Meals would be more of a throughout the day experience. I would expect that there always be a plate of dry food left out for me, and that's fine. It's somewhat meager fare compared to the wet stuff, but I've always been the type that would much rather graze a buffet all day long than have one sumptuous meal a day. Not to mention that I've always had a sort of distaste for Pavlovian conditioning. But it can't be helped if you eat the wet stuff all of the time. The unmistakable pop of the easy-open can lid, and the metal on metal shearing as your servant pulls with his index finger, back and away. What should be a grating dissonance becomes a glorious melody, a harbinger of satiation and satisfaction. The food's great, but at the expense of becoming a slave to the sound of a can opening? I'm not sure about that.

Lastly, I would try to be an ambassador for felines to humans. Oh sure, being cute and adorable is great, but people need affection too. Like curling up on someone's lap, a meow hello when someone gets home. Dogs seem to enjoy a status as man's best friend. But there's no reason that has to be. See, I'm going to start changing the status quo. Right after this nap ....