Building roads.

What is a friend? Well, according to the Random House dictionary, it's "a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard". Fair enough. By The American Heritage Dictionary, one can take a friend to be "a person whom one knows, likes, and trusts".

It's a pretty straightforward definition. And yet such a simple word can mean so many different things. Varying levels of emotion or attachment that aren't and can't possibly be ascribed to a single word by a dictionary entry. At times I find myself mildly frustrated at the word's broad definition. There's a pretty far cry from someone that one just chats with in passing, maybe just at work, and the person with which one shares every dark secret.

Maybe it was my upbringing that taught me to try to work quickly when developing friendships. Military family, move every few years, start over in a new neighborhood, with new people. If you don't want to be lonely there's a certain pressure to make a move. That said, friendship as I remember it in my childhood was pretty easy going. It didn't take much, just find a common interest, a game to play together outside, something along those lines.

As an adult, things are simple to a degree. Perhaps in terms of defining what one wants. Say that I want someone that I can head out with once or twice a week, maybe drink a beer or two, maybe take a walk somewhere and talk, or watch a movie. Someone I can trust, can have a good laugh with. Occasionally discuss serious topics with. Maybe starting to sound a little like a dating advert. But these are qualities that shouldn't be too difficult to find, right?

Except for the part where for whatever reason, it's not so easy. Not to make a deeper connection than just "an acquaintance" (which is incidentally part of second definition in The American Heritage Dictionary). After all, it takes two people to make a relationship of any kind work. Otherwise there's no real friendship, just a dependency.

What I visualize in my mind are two people building a road to nowhere, each coming from a different direction. They see each other. Stop, wave from afar, and continue building the road without really being able to see what the other is doing. Until at some point the two roads now meet, and therein lies a moment of truth, an epiphany as to whether things will ever work out. And maybe if things just happen too quickly, there's a jarring disconnect. Without any time to adjust, to adapt, suddenly these two roads are adjoined and without the most serendipitous coincidence, the two find that not only has their road gone nowhere, but also become a logistical and rational mess. Perhaps a small country road meeting a larger interstate; each road reflecting the emotional needs of its builder. Such a clash should inevitably lead to problems.

I'll take the road metaphor one step further. Roads require maintenance, else they fall into disrepair. They must be driven time again, lest they become strange and unfamiliar. True, there are always the exceptions, but perhaps it is those exceptions that we seek. Certainly not all roads are constructed with equal care.

Recently, I tried to befriend a particular person and in reflecting on it, this is more or less exactly what happened. Oh sure. There's certainly something to be said that I never felt really natural around this person, but I suppose that has a lot to do with trying to build too much road far too quickly; not only for the comfort of this person but for myself as well. Maybe this person didn't really want friendship, maybe this person didn't want much of anything at all. I'm not sure, only sure that I'll never know the answer to that question. Just that the roads built didn't work out.

Frankly, it sort of bothered me, and the thoughts made manifest into text tonight have been flitting around my mind. Someone contacted me. An old friend. Someone that I had connected with very quickly. Even though I rarely get in touch with her, there's still a very special place in my heart for her. I couldn't tell you how that came to be, or why. That she remembers? Meant more to me than I care to try to express in words. I suppose in a sense I was so busy trying to find something special that I forgot how rare it is. Enough introspection.

So friendship. Pardon the trite use of the expression at this point, but friendship is a two way street. So maybe I can live with the dictionary definition after all. A lot of the other words used can vary in depth. How well do you know someone before you can say you "know them"? And how much should you trust someone before you've given a friend you trust? That said, I have a few roads to work on. Maybe a bit slower this time.